Betty White is hotter than ever right now. I have such high expectations for a great episode of 'Saturday Night Live' this weekend that it can't possibly be as good as it should be. If anything could get those 'one sketch a week is funny' lazy ass writers on SNL to bring their 'A' game it would be because of Betty. She is so game to do and say and play anything and play it well.
Which brings me to my next point. Why isn't anyone is da Hollywood calling me to write and execute produce my Betty White/Slash buddy road picture?? Here are the bullet points.
- At some event (like for the LA Zoo) both Betty and Slash (who play themselves) have to go to the cloak room at the same time. There they witness a celebrity murder and immediately go on the run from the cartel killers. The killers have a photo of the two of them that can be used for the poster. The picture is one of those 'caught on film' type of images taken with a cell phone. Just seeing the two on a poster would inspire audiences to come to the theatre to see what this movie could possible be about.
- Their attempts to enter a limo to escape in front of the event center is hampered by the drivers of ALL the limos getting shot to death in the order B and S enter the cars that are lined up to pick up their celebrity patrons
- Betty, at some point is fed up with this and takes to pulling the dead driver out of the car and driving the car herself while Slash gets tossed around in the back like a piece of chicken in the shake-n-bake bag all the while complaining that the alcohol selection in the car is sub-par.
I want to see the car be around for most of the movie despite being all shot up and damaged. It would be a running joke like the split 'Herbie' Volkswagen in one of those 'Herbie' movies. It would be their 'horse' getting them around L.A. to look for help until it can finally help no more. It would almost seem to have a personality.
- Other scenes must NOT include trying to escape from the killers (who are UBER competent and deadly - not cartoonish fools) by wearing amusement part costumes or getting makeovers but should revolve around the two of them seeking assistance from their famous celebrity friends who are not really all that good in a crisis (put your cameo choices here). The ways you could show what these famous people are REALLY like would be hilarious. Robert DeNiro trying to BE the Robert DeNiro we see in films but not really having any street smarts left after all these years. Any 'edge' has been pampered right out of him
- Include a scene of them hiding out in a culvert and getting into some heavy philosophical discussions of life and death and elephants.
- Make Slash nearly 'McGyver' like in his ability to fashion on the spot solutions to their problems out of ordinary household items. Having him walk into a hardware store that has EVERYTHING would be like the scene in that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs climbed the beanstalk and found those giant carrots - remember the look on his face and how he walked towards the carrots? That would be the same look on Slash's face.
- Betty of course, would have her charm to use as a weapon and never needs to descend to the 'gutter' by swearing or doing violence - UNTIL she is pushed too far. Then alot of people happen to get hit in the nuts.
- Have Conan O'Brian in the movie because Slash gave his support to Conan during the resent 'Tonight Show' debacle (remember that pin slash wore on his guitar strap when he appeared on Jay's show?). Have Conan collect his 'A-Team' of celebrity contacts to rescue the pair at the end. Have someone ask them if maybe they should call Jay Leno to help - Conan can then look right at the camera without saying anything. I promise it will be comedy GOLD.
- give us a good mix of celebs from ultra right Ted Nugent and ultra left Tim Robinson. Watching their philosophies clash could be a good fodder for comedic moments and serve to point out the hypocrisy and stupidity of such radically unyielding agendas. (oh yeh bitches, you heard it...its a MESSAGE movie also)
- Remember we are trying to show opposites working together here for a common goal be it to save their lives or to save the lives of others like the zoo elephants.
- Include the iconic freeway chase and helicopter footage where the new crew only speculate on how long that beat up limo will last during the high speed pursuit because by this point in the movie it is pretty wrecked. Have the helicopter news guy recognize Slash and Betty as they try to drive AND keep the car together. It would be the only time anyone knew of the day the two stars were having. Maybe have the network call Betty on her cell to get her 'story' like they did with OJ at the low speed chase. "This is Betty White bitch! You know who I am!"
- Have everyone converge on the zoo at the end - our fugitives, the killers, the celebrity A-Team and mix in the wild animals, ESPECIALLY the elephant that is at the center of the whole zoo controversy the two of them had been talking about from the beginning. In fact you could do a promotion that includes a dollar of every ticket sold going to help elephants in the wild or something similar like that.
- Remember, we want as many real life elements as we can so that people think that in some other parallel universe, something like this day could have actually happened.
- Finally show what their lives are like six months after the whole adventure when these now inseparable friends hang out together all the time their schedules allow. Maybe going to visit the now COMPLETE Elephant exhibit. AWWWWWW.
You think I am just goofing around here. Look at this video and tell me that there isn't chemistry there. I tell you, this idea is a winner.
I also thought that you could start the movie with THIS interview moment.
